Here's to the Promise of Weddings

Michael and Heather

On Sunday, September 5, 2010, our son Michael will exchange wedding vows with his dear Heather and their life as husband and wife will begin. As it happens, that day will be the 28th anniversary of the day Mike and I were married under our oak tree in Chattanooga. As they make their wedding promises to each other, we can only wish them the happiness we’ve known in these years together.

There is something almost magical about two people finding in each other the person to whom they can make a commitment to become partners in life. It starts with a spark of attraction that grows into love. It is strengthened by time and shared experience, the good times and those not so good, the joys and the sorrows. It is solidified in the acceptance of one another, foible by foible, asset by asset.

So many writers more gifted than I have written about love and marriage. I wouldn’t begin to assume that my thoughts are as lyrical or as wise as many of those. I do believe in the bond that is forged between two people as a contract of the heart, entered into hopefully and lived out day-by-day.

I believe that two people begin as individuals, different from one another, and embark on a discovery of where their mutual interests may take them together. It seems clear to me, despite some who say they become “as one,” that the healthier relationships allow them to remain the individuals that they are in a process of learning what each will embrace in the other and how each will look to the other to balance assets and backstop weaknesses. I believe that the two individuals will learn to fight for the independence of each while creating a partnership that respects both.

It seems to me that a key lesson learned in relationships is acceptance of fallibility, both in oneself and in one’s partner. I wouldn’t expect of anyone acceptance of that which is inherently wrong, if it exists, but only acceptance of what is inherently human. Coupled with acceptance is forgiveness, again both of oneself and one’s partner. That fallibility which we all share must be forgiven if we are to move forward together, allowing ourselves to love and support our partners.

What I have learned in marriage is that I will never understand how it works, but that I know I value my marriage and I want it to work. At my core is my desire to live a happy life, to appreciate the blessings of being alive. My desire in marriage is to allow that happiness for myself and my husband, as much as possible. Fate will deliver us enough pain and sadness; we don’t need to create it for ourselves. Our ability to weather the difficult times will be strengthened by our awareness of the good in our lives and the way in which we cherish that goodness.

What I have found in my 28 years with Mike is the challenge of his fine mind, the comfort of his good heart and the joy that comes from two souls finding common ground in laughter and gratitude. Someone commented to us not long ago that they are surprised that we still thank each other for so many small things each day. I think we have learned that no day can be taken for granted, that no act of love and caring, however insignificant it might seem, should go unappreciated.

As Michael and Heather begin their married life together, I wish for them laughter and love, tears and joy, all the wonders of human emotion harnessed in a common direction with their commitment to one another. As I look at the bond they have already forged, I see good years ahead together, side by side, one enriching the other’s experience of life. I love them dearly and look forward to watching their future unfold.