Thanks to Those Who Have Mothered Me

I have been luckier than many.  I've had four women in my life who have "mothered" me -- given me love and advice, taught me lessons, shown me patience and paved the way for me to become a mother, too.  These women--my mother and the mothers-in-law of two marriages and the older sister who took me under her wing--have given much and made such an impact on my life.

Mama

The mother who bore me gave me her feisty spirit as she pushed and pulled me through childhood.  She knew tough love before they wrote the book. Her intelligence was a beacon and her tireless care a gift for my siblings and me.  The tales of her leaving home and family in Atlanta as a young woman to find work and an independent life in southwest Georgia were part of family lore.  She loved her parents and brothers, but valued her freedom and the possibilities for a career.  She met and married our father.  Their partnership was an example to us all.  Not bound by the "traditional" roles for husband and wife of their era, they were true partners, each strong-willed and outspoken.

She went back to work when I was in elementary school, but there was no sense that we were "latchkey" kids as our father went to work early each day and was home in the afternoons when we came home from school.  Mama was an accomplished cook of southern staples, but counted on Daddy to grill often enough so that we learned our cooking from both of them.  They shared duties around the house and were wise enough to engage we three kids in chores as soon as we were capable of helping out.  For some years, my father's father lived with us, his later life folding seamlessly into our younger ones.  Somehow everybody was fed and clothed, taught to enjoy fun and humor, as well as responsibility.  Looking back, Mama and Daddy's teamwork made it all seem simple when it's clear today that money was tight and our middle-class life didn't happen without struggle.

The mothers-in-law that have enriched my adult life were from my Mama's generation and brought many of the strengths of their time.  These women had experienced the deprivations of the Great Depression and the sacrifices of World War II.  None of them had the advantage of a college education and all had worked to help support their families.  All of them put family first and encouraged their children to value education and a strong work ethic.  My mothers-in-law welcomed me into their homes on the arms of their sons, extending themselves to make me feel welcome and part of the family.  Both became friends to my mother and, interestingly, both became friends with each other.  Long past the end of the first marriage in divorce, my first mother-in-law continued to share her affection with me.

Pat

The fourth mother of my life is my sister, Pat.  Five-and-a-half years old when I was born, she has always been my champion.  She taught me "the ropes" in childhood, motivated me with her grit and determination through my growing up years and has inspired me as a woman.  Always a leader, she shined a light on a path that I have attempted to follow.  It has been an important incentive for me to live up to her example.  She has always made me proud.

In fairness to my four "mothers," I have not been as easy as I might have been to mother.  Whether by genetics or just my own native orneriness, I have challenged them all one way or another.  I have, in fact, resisted all forms of maternal control and admittedly deserve to be seen as the proverbial "ungrateful child" at times.

So on this Mother's Day, I owe them all my gratitude.  Thinking about what they have given me humbles me.  There are lots of schmaltzy greeting card sentiments about mothers that are available in stores.  None of those seem to say enough.  It is not the perfection of a woman that makes her a good mother, but the striving for the best for another.  There is, I think, in that striving, an honest effort to see in one's child his or her particular strengths and needs and guide the child accordingly.  There are no manuals that cover all the particulars of parenting, but I feel lucky that these women and others I've watched and admired, have made their own discoveries, drawn their own maps and given their kids a chance to live happily and successfully.  

So thanks to Mama and to Margaret and to Willie Mae and my dear Pat.  Whatever I am, the brush strokes you've added to the picture of me are the ones that make me better.